thought I would have gotten fractured and smashed. But I’m better off than I was this morning.
I’m emotional in a good way. I’m full of love and sparks and confidence. And I haven’t even left
the house today. I’m a lazy sweaty shirtless dude who doesn’t give a flying fuck about what
anybody thinks about any of this.
I put my heart out on the telephone line and it came back stronger. It might have come back all
bruised and cut or it might not have even come back at all but here it is. Back safe and sound
and beating strong in my hairy curly box of a chest. I’m sitting here above my chest looking
down at my veiny hands on the keyboard with the grey chest hairs at the bottom of my
peripheral vision. Proud of my heart right now. I know that won’t last but it feels good.
All is not right. But enough is right to tip the scales towards the good side of the spirit. The
ghost is smiling.
Is this what it’s supposed to feel like? Is this what it’s like to live without existential conflict in
my soul? Is this how adults move through life? Well not all adults but the adults I look up to.
The ones who seem to have it figured out. Even if they think they don’t. But they do. I can see
through the spackle and the paint and the smiles. I can tell they’re happy. Like deep happy.
Happy and secure. They put their hearts out there and they came back stronger.
They’ve all been tumbled and beaten but didn’t break and fall apart. Not all the way apart.
Fractured, yeah, but who isn’t fractured? Complete. Not all the way complete, but complete in
the ways that matter the most. Yes there are always cracks. Just like Leonard said, that’s how
the light gets in. Let the cracks show. Let the weaknesses shine through. Let my heart swim free
in the rough ocean and trust that it will come back home to nest in this hairy curly deserving
Oh my god in this moment I want to float away with a dear love and never come back. I want to
open up to a beautiful soul and sink down beneath the waves with her in my arms. I want to
melt with love and stay in this moment with slow morphine pumping through my body making
everything feel perfect.
But now is the time to pick myself up and put my boots on and start beating feet towards the
goals I have named. It is not the time to turn to liquid. It is the time for solid movements and
I will find her. There will be time to melt. I will melt again.