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How Do I Go Deeper?

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How do I go deeper?
When I gave birth it was too early.  I had never felt so soft, so vulnerable.  I learned to be strong young.  Strong meaning hard.  Hard like not letting real emotions show.  Caring about something or someone made me vulnerable.  My father was a bad man.  I know bad men.  Men who prey on youth and beauty and light.  This knowing that 'men are bad' is like knowing 'there is a god' or 'school is good' because that's what they told me - all the voices from everywhere.  The experiences I collected.  Jadey left Griffin and I after two weeks in Kapiolani and I wasn't equipped.  I was a mess.  My baby was in an incubator - didn't look like a baby at all.  I watched a monitor every day as alarms went off.  Praying, praying.  Aren't you supposed to rest after giving birth?  I never did that.  Jadey told me I was strong enough.  But I wasn't.  I was falling apart, I had just found out I had a heart condition and my baby came too soon and how could he think it was right to leave?  But I believed in his leaving, because family disappears.  I am here alone.  I've felt alone forever.  And I believe it's my fault, something inherent.  My whole life is a litany of leaving.  And this just reaffirms "I am a victim".  I am powerless.  My only strength is to survive, but I'm tired.  I'm worn out.  I exhaust others because I am exhausted and I want sympathy or maybe company.  I feel like everything I write is a damn transformation line.  How do I go deeper?  I sat in that NICU for months thinking about how to shine.  How to be hopeful, how to bear hope.  I was a mess.  When I was little I never picked up my toys - I had too many and was lazy and overwhelmed.  I feel sorry for my mother - I didn't respect her.  She left me alone in empty houses, alone with empty people, alone in unsafe schools and in other states to figure it out.  To survive.  I am a survivor.  Like a dandelion or cane grass.  I keep coming back.  Why do I keep peeling back these layers of thickened skin?  I remember sunsets in the country and the bug noises at night and quiet trains and empty sky and green silk sheets and contentment.  I craved the city and it's drama, it's story.  I pursued Tulsa like a hunter.  Now I'm in the country again but there's loud noises here too and parts are missing and I still don't know how to recover. 

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