I want to write. Write away the memories that sit inside stinking up the joint. Give back all the insults, the last good bys, the last time he said I will miss you. The cat keeps coming back, looking for something I cant give him. The geckos prowl along the walls not knowing they could end up with no head, no tail, like the present he left on the floor last night. I drowned the mouse yesterday couldn’t just throw him in the garbage stuck to the trap. I would want someone to do that for me when its my time. Or least let me hold a hand until I don’t need it anymore. I found the pictures that I thought I lost. All the old ones of when I was young. I looked happy in some of them. Or did I just learn to look happy? Learned that was the face the world wanted to see or I wanted to show them. The shock and horror must go somewhere deep inside. Where I cant find it anymore. I am running away, towards, from the truth. The truth of how scared I am. To really love, to really live, to open myself for the world to see. Michael needs to start shaving. I wanted his Dad to show him how. I don’t know if he has and I am afraid to ask. I am afraid to push my way in where I don’t belong anymore. He keeps pushing me away just like he is supposed to do. The lights come on in the parking lot outside before it its dark. Too soon. It is too soon for this to come to an end. This time with him. There is only sighs and rolled eyes given up. I want to close my eyes and find the dark where there is only stillness. The vog sits heavy in the air, in my head. Pushing against my yearning. Trust has taken a back seat to fear. I am stuck in this hole of my own making. I keep erasing my words. Taking them back before they become permanent. I want to erase the addictions, the lies, the pain. I wished for shouted words to bring everything out into the light. It was only felt in the air, the tilt of the head, the footsteps as he came in the door. Could I read the signs well enough? Smell the angry oozing from his pores? Was this a night to hide?