The Gimp
The gimp pushes me into my chair and slaps me. He's tall dark and swarthy and has a limp. My cheek is burning and I am crying, shaking through my tears. I see my green wall to wall to wall carpeting and beige couch wondering am I ever going to see my apartment again. I can scream but the thick walls in my 100-year-old building will never let anyone hear me. My eyes travel around the room and I see pictures of Ivy and myself when she was a month old, me in a sheer nightgown modeling when I was 24, Ivy when she was eight in Puerto Rico, me and Chris when he was a month, pictures of me at the ruins in Greece, my mom, dad and Ivy at two months in Florida, and a handsome picture of Billy in a tuxedo. God, will I ever see any of them again? My heart is bursting as he looms over me, just looking not saying a word with a big black gun in his hand. I can smell the steaks cooking in the restaurant downstairs. I can hear sounds of the city but it seems different now. Now I'm going to die! The wind is blowing the blinds making a clicking sound like bullets. It's getting dark outside and I wonder how is he going to kill me? Maybe rape me??? He turns and looks into the bedroom. I never should have opened the door!
Shock
My daughter and her family did DNA testing.
She thought it would be fun for me to do it.
So she had one sent to me.
I spit a lot in the vial and sent it off.
I knew that I was a neat little package of my mother English Irish
and my father
full-blooded German.
His mother and father both from the old country.
The test results came back.
When I looked at the stark white paper
my eyes teared up
the printing blurred together
I dropped the paper.
It fell on my marble table
with all the picture albums of my life on it
and an array of beautiful glass decanters.
My breath was coming in spurts.
My heart was palpitating.
I sat down in my pale yellow chair
and looked again.
My eyes focused.
In big letters it said
48% Italian Greek
some English Irish
and 2% African-American.
I could hear the cars whizzing by
honking
sirens
all sounds of the city
outside my window.
I could see a lady sitting in her small patio
across the street
smoking a cigarette.
My mind wandering.
I heard a click.
The front door opened.
"Hi Dolly."
That's what my husband calls me.
I look up with a tear rolling down my cheek
my heart racing
and I think
there must be some mistake.
She thought it would be fun for me to do it.
So she had one sent to me.
I spit a lot in the vial and sent it off.
I knew that I was a neat little package of my mother English Irish
and my father
full-blooded German.
His mother and father both from the old country.
The test results came back.
When I looked at the stark white paper
my eyes teared up
the printing blurred together
I dropped the paper.
It fell on my marble table
with all the picture albums of my life on it
and an array of beautiful glass decanters.
My breath was coming in spurts.
My heart was palpitating.
I sat down in my pale yellow chair
and looked again.
My eyes focused.
In big letters it said
48% Italian Greek
some English Irish
and 2% African-American.
I could hear the cars whizzing by
honking
sirens
all sounds of the city
outside my window.
I could see a lady sitting in her small patio
across the street
smoking a cigarette.
My mind wandering.
I heard a click.
The front door opened.
"Hi Dolly."
That's what my husband calls me.
I look up with a tear rolling down my cheek
my heart racing
and I think
there must be some mistake.
Water and Me by Mom
I love the ocean when it's calm
when it's wild with waves
but just if it's up to my ankles
and I’m safe
when I was a little girl we had a beach
house out at Chesapeake Bay
I loved frolicking in the ocean bay
with my mother watching me
I had no fears of the water
the sand was warm
so was my life
just fun fun fun
we were just down the road from the ocean
my mother had to help me one time
when I got stung by a jellyfish
it hurt a really lot
my mother put sand on the red welts
it did sooth it some
it didn't stop me from going back in
she would play in the water with me
when I got older I would bring friends
we would swim by day
and jitterbug by night at a honky-tonk bar
right there on the beach
my mom liked to play the slot machines
my dad would watch her
idolizing her
he didn't say much
I could see he adored her with his sweet eyes
I like to shower but hate baths
maybe I drowned in my last life
and that's why I don't like water
I love to drink water
I drink lots of it
it makes me feel good
content
not too many things content me
the rain contents me
not to be in it
to watch it
I've always had a fear of drowning
not being able to breathe
it makes my heart pump and flutter
it takes my breath away just thinking about it
so I don't think about it
when it's wild with waves
but just if it's up to my ankles
and I’m safe
when I was a little girl we had a beach
house out at Chesapeake Bay
I loved frolicking in the ocean bay
with my mother watching me
I had no fears of the water
the sand was warm
so was my life
just fun fun fun
we were just down the road from the ocean
my mother had to help me one time
when I got stung by a jellyfish
it hurt a really lot
my mother put sand on the red welts
it did sooth it some
it didn't stop me from going back in
she would play in the water with me
when I got older I would bring friends
we would swim by day
and jitterbug by night at a honky-tonk bar
right there on the beach
my mom liked to play the slot machines
my dad would watch her
idolizing her
he didn't say much
I could see he adored her with his sweet eyes
I like to shower but hate baths
maybe I drowned in my last life
and that's why I don't like water
I love to drink water
I drink lots of it
it makes me feel good
content
not too many things content me
the rain contents me
not to be in it
to watch it
I've always had a fear of drowning
not being able to breathe
it makes my heart pump and flutter
it takes my breath away just thinking about it
so I don't think about it
The Beach
I went for a walk on the beach this morning with Ivy and Pax. Ivy is my beautiful serene daughter and Pax is her latest Australian puppy. She's a girl but I'm always calling her a he because she looks like a he...big huge and thinks she's a little ten pound baby. She stands on my shoulders and is as tall as I am.
It was a socked in grey morning but when we got to the beach it was sunny and beautiful. We walked a short distance together and I let them go on ahead. I sat down and took it all in. The sand was warm and kinda wet. It smelled so clean and fresh and the sun was warm and nourishing. How blue the sky is and the ocean a deeper blue with calm white waves rushing in. I just wanted to get up...which I did, and run into the water....which I didn't. My running days are over so I got up slowly and waded up to my ankles into the sea with the waves splashing up to my knees. The water is so cool and refreshing I could feel it in my toes and up through my body. I am being healed. I could smell and taste the water. Salt that's what I needed. My whole body tingled. I was one with the warm bright sun and the refreshing healing waters of the surprising calm Pacific Ocean. It all reminded me of when I was a little girl and played on the beach with my mother. I would run in and out of the cool water of the Atlantic Ocean and my mothers beautiful blue eyes would follow my every move She was watchful as a low flying hawk. My mother was stately but fun and she had long sharply legs and beautiful hands with long fingers painted bright red
We had a cute tiny summer house on Chesapeake Bay. Util my parents passed. We spent every weekend there. How I loved that place. Blue eyes would follow me and if, or most probably when, I would get stung by this flowing translucent jellyfish she would rush to me, put sand on the sting and make it all better then we would walk back up the road with her warm hand holding mine and I felt safe. Cool aid,lemonade and egg salad sandwiches, that she made ahead would be waiting for us. Yummy. And so would my daddy
I looked up the beach and Ivy and pax were on their way back frolicking, her hair blowing in the wind. It makes me so happy to be in this world as Ivy waved with a big smile on her face and Pax ran to meet me with a big smile on her face.
It was a socked in grey morning but when we got to the beach it was sunny and beautiful. We walked a short distance together and I let them go on ahead. I sat down and took it all in. The sand was warm and kinda wet. It smelled so clean and fresh and the sun was warm and nourishing. How blue the sky is and the ocean a deeper blue with calm white waves rushing in. I just wanted to get up...which I did, and run into the water....which I didn't. My running days are over so I got up slowly and waded up to my ankles into the sea with the waves splashing up to my knees. The water is so cool and refreshing I could feel it in my toes and up through my body. I am being healed. I could smell and taste the water. Salt that's what I needed. My whole body tingled. I was one with the warm bright sun and the refreshing healing waters of the surprising calm Pacific Ocean. It all reminded me of when I was a little girl and played on the beach with my mother. I would run in and out of the cool water of the Atlantic Ocean and my mothers beautiful blue eyes would follow my every move She was watchful as a low flying hawk. My mother was stately but fun and she had long sharply legs and beautiful hands with long fingers painted bright red
We had a cute tiny summer house on Chesapeake Bay. Util my parents passed. We spent every weekend there. How I loved that place. Blue eyes would follow me and if, or most probably when, I would get stung by this flowing translucent jellyfish she would rush to me, put sand on the sting and make it all better then we would walk back up the road with her warm hand holding mine and I felt safe. Cool aid,lemonade and egg salad sandwiches, that she made ahead would be waiting for us. Yummy. And so would my daddy
I looked up the beach and Ivy and pax were on their way back frolicking, her hair blowing in the wind. It makes me so happy to be in this world as Ivy waved with a big smile on her face and Pax ran to meet me with a big smile on her face.
Goodbye
The telephone is ringing. I look at my clock and it says 5am. The dreaded 5 o'clock in the morning phone call It was ringing so loud my ears were hurting so I stumbled across the room to grab it before my daughter and friend wake up. I answer. Hello? And the next thing I know I am on my knees on the floor and I hear a scream and a moan then I realize its me....I was screaming and sobbing...saliva was streaming out of my mouth. I realize and want to help my daughter but I can't I'm paralyzed. My mother is DEAD! and I didn't get to say goodbye. Oh god oh god. My girlfriend calls 911 and tends to my daughter. I see these people in white coats hovering around me. They are working on me but all I can see are faces coming in and out of the picture like ghosts. They must of given me a shot of something to calm me down, put this white mask over my nose and mouth and said breath breath breath. What am I doing on the floor? I could tell I was there because my rug is green and soft like cotten
I don't remember much about that week but I remember my mother and she is dead. And I didn't get to say goodbye. Her blue eyes follow me all the time. Sometimes they're grey. Her hair shown a blue silver grey. She was so good and laughed a lot. She was tall and stately and she was My Mother. And I loved her And I didn't get to say goodbye!
I don't remember much about that week but I remember my mother and she is dead. And I didn't get to say goodbye. Her blue eyes follow me all the time. Sometimes they're grey. Her hair shown a blue silver grey. She was so good and laughed a lot. She was tall and stately and she was My Mother. And I loved her And I didn't get to say goodbye!
Mr Ted B Ivy
Last night I slept with a bear. Well really it's been for the last couple of weeks. NO silly, Not a real bear. A plush stuffed little teddy bear named Mr Ted B. Ivy. I named him after my daughter Ivy (oh that's so hard to say. I'll tell you about that later) She sent it to me on account of I got hurt( my foot) and can't walk for the next three months. So she felt pitiful for me and figured I needed a pacifier....and would really look stupid witha real pacifier in my mouth all night long. I hinted to a few people how I needed something to pet to make me feel better but no one got the hint except her. We kinda think alike.
I don't know what I did to deserve her to come through me and choose me to be her mother. She's real and kind beautiful and generous with her time as well as her money. She's second to the purest person I know. My grandson Chris is the purest in everyway. He's her son so I guess the coconut doesn't fall far from the tree. I thought that was kinda funny because they all live in Maui Hawaii. Well she changed her name to Ivy because she is integrating herself to be a whole person. I swear if she were any better I couldn't stand it and I wouldn't change a hair on her head but she hated the name Anita Lora and always being called little Anita. Don't ask why I named her after me. I just wanted my mothers name in there somewhere and her name is Lora. Oh well I don't mind kinda and she said mom you can't be mad cause you changed your name. I said yes when I was 17 not 50!
I don't know what I did to deserve her to come through me and choose me to be her mother. She's real and kind beautiful and generous with her time as well as her money. She's second to the purest person I know. My grandson Chris is the purest in everyway. He's her son so I guess the coconut doesn't fall far from the tree. I thought that was kinda funny because they all live in Maui Hawaii. Well she changed her name to Ivy because she is integrating herself to be a whole person. I swear if she were any better I couldn't stand it and I wouldn't change a hair on her head but she hated the name Anita Lora and always being called little Anita. Don't ask why I named her after me. I just wanted my mothers name in there somewhere and her name is Lora. Oh well I don't mind kinda and she said mom you can't be mad cause you changed your name. I said yes when I was 17 not 50!
