I have many male friends right now. All but one is the result of a failed romance. I hate to let people go. I hold on like plague on a tooth. In my childhood we moved often, sometimes every few months. I would start to make friends or become close with a new adult when we would move again. My most intimate companions, our cats, were usually left as well. I’m tired of loss, so I hold tight to those who let me.
I get lonely. Romantic partners hurt me or I hurt them, yet I hope for forgiveness so we can continue to be close as friends if not lovers. So as to be less alone. I connected to animals early in life to ease the loneliness. I read voraciously for escape from the loneliness. I try to please people, especially men, to gain their attention and aproval and alleviate the loneliness for a time.
Yes sometimes I hurt the people I love. I hurt myself. I hurt myself by imagining people don’t like me or find me uninteresting. I hurt others when I withhold truth from them. Or neglect them. Or feel uninterested in their problems. I hurt my animals when I leave them alone for hours at a time. I hurt my plants when I forget to water them. I feel guilt for hurting others. I feel guilt for not exercising and for eating junk food. As a child I felt guilty for stealing a nickel off a table to play pinball. For eating someone’s yogurt out of the refrigerator. For making my mom cry when I told her I hated her.
What kind of person am I? I should know better by now. Adults often said that to me as a child “you should know better”. And I do know better. And yet I get lonely, hold on to people, hurt them and myself and feel guilty. But not always. Sometimes I feel close and loved. It feels delicious. To be loved and intimate with another. Connection in all its forms from animals to people to nature to the divine. Then I feel full and complete. I felt full and complete with my grandparents as a young child when they let me drink milky coffee and play yatzee with them. I felt full riding my horse through the woods as a preteen, a part of such a powerful being, in rhythm together. I feel full when I am dancing with others and we smile at one another. I feel full in the lovers embrace, a mutual give and take of pleasure. Then the moment ends and again the insecurities rush back. Am I enough? What if I reveal too much and people see my flaws? Better hold on to whoever will stay and show me love.
I get lonely. Romantic partners hurt me or I hurt them, yet I hope for forgiveness so we can continue to be close as friends if not lovers. So as to be less alone. I connected to animals early in life to ease the loneliness. I read voraciously for escape from the loneliness. I try to please people, especially men, to gain their attention and aproval and alleviate the loneliness for a time.
Yes sometimes I hurt the people I love. I hurt myself. I hurt myself by imagining people don’t like me or find me uninteresting. I hurt others when I withhold truth from them. Or neglect them. Or feel uninterested in their problems. I hurt my animals when I leave them alone for hours at a time. I hurt my plants when I forget to water them. I feel guilt for hurting others. I feel guilt for not exercising and for eating junk food. As a child I felt guilty for stealing a nickel off a table to play pinball. For eating someone’s yogurt out of the refrigerator. For making my mom cry when I told her I hated her.
What kind of person am I? I should know better by now. Adults often said that to me as a child “you should know better”. And I do know better. And yet I get lonely, hold on to people, hurt them and myself and feel guilty. But not always. Sometimes I feel close and loved. It feels delicious. To be loved and intimate with another. Connection in all its forms from animals to people to nature to the divine. Then I feel full and complete. I felt full and complete with my grandparents as a young child when they let me drink milky coffee and play yatzee with them. I felt full riding my horse through the woods as a preteen, a part of such a powerful being, in rhythm together. I feel full when I am dancing with others and we smile at one another. I feel full in the lovers embrace, a mutual give and take of pleasure. Then the moment ends and again the insecurities rush back. Am I enough? What if I reveal too much and people see my flaws? Better hold on to whoever will stay and show me love.
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