Click, click, click
Doctor Small’s shoes echo on the checkered hospital floor
as he comes to peek behind the curtain
I am in a lavender paper gown that is being inflated with hot air
Because hospitals are cold
And I am alone
Covid makes a undignified situation worse
without the option of someone to hold your hand through it
His lips are moving and I start to see stars
Golden stars falling like raindrops around the room
Did that fluffy yellow bumble bee get stuck in my ears?
I left her on the lanai thinking she was an omen of healing
But now I am buzzing
Heat spreading through my face and cheeks, yet I am cold and shaking
Pound, pound, pound
Liev is on Maui so how did he implant himself in the center of my heart?
With his matchbox truck
He is flailing toward my sternum
Mama, mama, mama
I am here but I can’t be with you
Mama, mama, mama
All I want is my boy,
my man,
my mama, mama, mama
And I think I might explode
If I do, maybe Liev will break out of my chest and into my arms
Not trapped as an invisible pressure behind the prison of my ribcage
And I will kiss him till I’m submerged in an oxytocin ocean
Not this fentanyl swamp they are drowning through my ruptured veins
It makes my brain melt and I hear the voices of angels
But they sound like Siri
Who is set to the voice of an Indian man I named Siresh,
because I thought that was funny after all my time in India
And a little bit of levity never killed anyone
But the doctor told me I might die a lot faster than I’m ready to accept
So fuck you, Siresh, just let the angels speak in their own voices
Maybe my grandma’s
Her voice was soft like her silk shirts
I want to crawl into grandma’s lap and play with her rings
Let her feed me those sticky, fruity candies from the pillbox in the bottom of her pocketbook
Panting, panting, panting
Remember I’m supposed to take deep breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system
To get those calming hormones to squirt into the center of my heart
Where Liev is having a tantrum that mama’s in the hospital and he is alone
Rest, rest, rest, Little Bug
Mama is getting knocked out soon
Intubated and can’t speak for a while
But my heart still beats, beats, beats for you, Peanut
I want to scream
But a cactus has sprouted in the pit of my throat
And my cries are obstructed by a tangle of agave blossoms
I read that the plant’s flowers are a sad event because
She dies, She dies, She dies
Right after she blooms
Doctor Small’s shoes echo on the checkered hospital floor
as he comes to peek behind the curtain
I am in a lavender paper gown that is being inflated with hot air
Because hospitals are cold
And I am alone
Covid makes a undignified situation worse
without the option of someone to hold your hand through it
His lips are moving and I start to see stars
Golden stars falling like raindrops around the room
Did that fluffy yellow bumble bee get stuck in my ears?
I left her on the lanai thinking she was an omen of healing
But now I am buzzing
Heat spreading through my face and cheeks, yet I am cold and shaking
Pound, pound, pound
Liev is on Maui so how did he implant himself in the center of my heart?
With his matchbox truck
He is flailing toward my sternum
Mama, mama, mama
I am here but I can’t be with you
Mama, mama, mama
All I want is my boy,
my man,
my mama, mama, mama
And I think I might explode
If I do, maybe Liev will break out of my chest and into my arms
Not trapped as an invisible pressure behind the prison of my ribcage
And I will kiss him till I’m submerged in an oxytocin ocean
Not this fentanyl swamp they are drowning through my ruptured veins
It makes my brain melt and I hear the voices of angels
But they sound like Siri
Who is set to the voice of an Indian man I named Siresh,
because I thought that was funny after all my time in India
And a little bit of levity never killed anyone
But the doctor told me I might die a lot faster than I’m ready to accept
So fuck you, Siresh, just let the angels speak in their own voices
Maybe my grandma’s
Her voice was soft like her silk shirts
I want to crawl into grandma’s lap and play with her rings
Let her feed me those sticky, fruity candies from the pillbox in the bottom of her pocketbook
Panting, panting, panting
Remember I’m supposed to take deep breaths to activate the parasympathetic nervous system
To get those calming hormones to squirt into the center of my heart
Where Liev is having a tantrum that mama’s in the hospital and he is alone
Rest, rest, rest, Little Bug
Mama is getting knocked out soon
Intubated and can’t speak for a while
But my heart still beats, beats, beats for you, Peanut
I want to scream
But a cactus has sprouted in the pit of my throat
And my cries are obstructed by a tangle of agave blossoms
I read that the plant’s flowers are a sad event because
She dies, She dies, She dies
Right after she blooms
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