What I Really Want by Ivy

I need to write
I wanna talk to someone
but I don’t know who to call
who to ask what’s wrong with me
who to touch hearts with
I want to write about my life
share the worms in my head
beat hearts together
cry with abandon
I’m scared
I’m scared I’m going to die before I see Chris’s face again
before I stroke my granddaughters hair
before I stare Marina in the eyes
I wanna climb into Carl’s arms and smell his outdoor skin
I want my mom to tell me secrets
I wanna talk to my dad again and ask him if he loves me
I want to lay on the floor with every dog I ever had
maybe the cats too
I want to feel Carl’s mouth wrapped around mine like I’m twenty
I want to be in a pool with all my sisters
naked and free
I want to snort cocaine and dance on the speakers at studio 54
I want to drop acid and drink champagne in Central Park
I want to eat turkey sandwiches in Lithia park under a tree
I want to cop weed in Washington Square Park
I want to run on the beach with Odin
and follow Freya down paths through the forest
I want to sit on my deck on Maui
I want to sit on the roof at 200 west 54th street
I want to sit on the bench under my fathers tree
I want some cotton candy
I want Rosalie to know I believed her
I want my heart to beat steady and strong like a Gloria Gaynor song
I want black hair
black shit around my eyes
a short black leather skirt
a cut up black rock t-shirt
a black chocker held tight around my neck
I want to dance hard at the Crush Club
I want to stare hard at the boys at the Cock Ring on Christopher Street
I want to throw darts hard at The Triple Inn
I want my dad back
that’s really what I want