It would have been different if I got angry, or threw a drink, or pushed over the bureau, or kicked the tire.
Maybe I never should have left, went to Florida, slept on couches, and boys, and anyone.
It would have been different if I held my stomach in, if I stayed working with kids, if I left school, if I moved to another country.
It would have been different if I didn't have that last abortion, or took care of someone else's kids.
It would have been different if I never took my ring back, never kissed a married man, never drank champagne topless.
It would have been different if I put up a fence, got a haircut, shaved my pussy.
I could have turned it around by dropping more acid, sleeping less hours, eating more vegetables.
Maybe I could have held my mother more, listened to my father less, dug deeper in my wallet, stayed with one career.
I wish I could have learned French, or back packed the sierras, or been more active; washing everyone's dishes not just my own, putting the toilet seat down.
I wish I could have been less lazy; getting off the couch to kiss my friends goodbye, heading out to Brooklyn to visit my sister.
I wish I was more productive; cleaning the kitchen cabinets, dusting off the records, sweeping under the bed.
I wish I was less wild; sitting still, taking deep breaths, relaxing my face.
I could have had a different husband, I did have a different husband, I could have never stayed with that one.
I could have had another son, perhaps a daughter, maybe even both, but I stayed at one.
I could have lived in an apartment, or an adobe house, or ran away from hurricanes, but this is where I live.
I'm sure everything would be different if I pulled that trigger, or used that condom, or ran away instead.
Different never means better or worse, I suppose, or even just the same.
I learned how choices effect everything around me; people, places, things.
I learned that I can't take back words, or bring someone back from death, or grow something faster than it’s meant to grow.
I've learned I can change though;
how I behave, or not,
how I act, or take no action,
how I hold, and how I let go,
how I learn and share and what I crave.
When I say I'm sorry, and whether I forgive, or not.
Yet, it still could have been different just the same.