There is no remedy for this juvenile juggling of bouncing between sugar cravings and the
seductive suck of the latest devouring device. Who is to say it is detrimental. To my concept of what is right and wrong, what should be or not be, I’ll never get to decide. To my own self
sabotage, or when I grow weary of the disturbances that incessantly push me to the threshold of downward spiral of sane mothering moments.
The maternal desire of the fun house factory of flickering biological lights, nipples that leak, and
school bells that ring too early. The twitching of eyes that consume themselves before the
caffeine should enter the tunnel of piercing adolescents, in uniforms scattering like cockroaches
as the staff usher them to their places. Drudging up the triumph to crack the code and keep
things on task. My cheeks hurt from stuffing my cooking to the side while I spoon feed the
dependents of my making. My tongue is incapacitated as I try to swallow the separation of my
former self. I taste only with my pussy, and when I speak, nothing comes out.
Where did she get tucked away and suppressed from her surrender? How does she nourish
her offspring while her former self divorced her care free nature. No needle and thread can
sew this back together. No payment will ever cover the expenses. I see why people walk away
and give up their rights. They miss the selective spectrum of single moments of pain that
transform into beauty and melt again into deep crevices of growth. They give up the chance to
walk their own line, create their own verge, to be on the brink. They chose to lose themselves in
their own mess rather than to be woken up to their own creation. To be shocked into new
knowing. To be frightened by their own beauty. It's all passed up, and handed to another
disheveled household, so never to be harassed by the needs of a restless fetus or a dying
corpse. Because to do this is to die again and again. To do this is to be born over and over. To
do this is to stay at home and never get to go out with your former self, ever again.