I want to break something. No, I want to shatter something. Something fragile.
I’ve been comparing myself again, to people I don't really know, to people that seem to be doing things better than myself and I’m evaluating what I really have to offer. I’m still waiting for his call. I’m still waiting to know I’m wanted. I’m still building these sand castle dreams around the next step. And the point is, I’m exactly where I am. There is no next step. There is no tomorrow. There is just here and this wind that can either be soft or harsh and its how I’m feeling that makes it so.
Its just that how I feel is like one of those simulated cyclones in the glass tube and I’m colored all sorts of electric blue and yellows depending on the angle. But the point is, I’m just stuck in there and swirling and at any moment I find myself on the periphery, back against my own glass, watching the predictably unpredictable swirl, I can be sucked right back in. In an instant. And then not even realize it until I’m upside down pawing for the glass again.
Can’t I just throw my head against the table and watch the army emerge from the crack? Can’t I just let it all down. These clothes, this hair, and just stand naked in front of myself and only love what I see. Until then, how will I ever truly love anyone else? How will I ever be fully fulfilled by anything I do?
I’m at this all too familiar place again where I’m in my old clothes and I feel comfortable but at the same time I’m in another strange desert and there is this hunger I cant describe and I have to figure out what I can eat. And once I do, the sand turns to green and fruit falls from the sky only to turn back to desert once again with the first rotten mango.