also wasn’t messing around. I thought, a few years here and look at me, I’ve been devoured,
swallowed up and digested whole. It only took a death, two births, a divorce, and a few
breakups to rattle my my make up, my network of nerves.
Cracking the code to my previous life and crumpling it up, tossing it to the fire. Pele called me
and somehow I heard, even tho I played dumb and followed a husband. No marriage vows can
remedy these wandering minds, no agreement can be safely kept. Miscarriages upon cancer
prognosis seduces the mother load of all suppressions.
My keiki know dark skin and slippers, rainbows and surf. Their socks go missing and they play
in the rain. They know uncles and aunties, spam and songs, leis and laulau. They know opihi
and vana, keawe and white rice, cheek kisses and shakas, and different measurements of wave
I kissed my family goodbye on their death beds and woke up on a beach. Salt water erosions
and rusty metal thoughts dampen my view of the past perception of my old perfect life. Island
fevers a myth for these homebody bones. Waking up, I fell into the closet of forgotten
yesterdays and lost loved ones who craved the ocean more than I do.
Grandkids without grandmas and uncles without aunties, stepdads without acceptance of the
children they foster. Fathers who departed, deport themselves to other lands but keep their
grip, on the bed time stories of their rigid yesterday. Mothers who are single circling the crop.
Hungry for the father they never got.
Fondling the fantasies that fuck with my mind, that allow what if-s of tomorrow, the “what nows”
of today to make motherhood mandalas that disintegrate in the sea. The variations, tumble and
swirl, collide and crumble as the transformation of tomorrow sets foot upon no regret.
Destroying those thank you cards, ruining the to -do lists. I’d tell my past lovers, to continue on
and let me go, offer yourself to the commitment tide of tomorrow and intertwine with the dragon
of your next concubine.
For now I go deeper into my own capture, of my volcanic rock hard heart that pours into the sea.