I'm going to write this shitty piece because I have to write something and I don't know how to get into my shadow. I want to throw this computer accross the room and see it shatter on the hard tile floor while I scream with these screams ringing between my ears. Fuck this assignment. Fuck the collective. I've lost my way and I want to give up but I can't stand to be a failure so I'll stay and do it anyways. That doesn't even make any sense.
Like it didn't make any sense to stay in my fucked up marriage when it was a failure years ago. I failed my marriage. I failed my husband. I failed myself and my dreams but, most of all, I failed my daughter. And I don't know what's worse, the failure of not being able to stay together as a family or staying way too long because I couldn't admit I'd failed just to end up leaving and failing anyways.
Maybe it was inevitable. Because I'm a failure. I've always been a failure. I couldn't even be born right. I kept flipping back around even after the doctor had turned me so we had to be rushed in an ambulance for an emergency C-section. I was wrong and my mom had to leave and I've never had her come all the way back. She felt wrong too. I tried to take that shame from her but it didn't work. I just ended up with more than my share of the shame.