Like telling your husband a secret you'd thought you'd never do?
Or speaking out at a party when the idiot is talking about how he'd shoot a dog?
Then hear him talk about needing a six pack when picking up his car in the "ghetto" so he could fling them at the ghettoites?
Do ever just hate people right off the bat and can't get an "I'm open" feeling up no matter how hard you dig?
I tried walking away but I had to announce why.
I tried shutting the fuck up
but my tongue had a mind of its own.
I wish I could apologize for being
intolerant of their intolerance but I can't.
I wake up at two
ready to get up
then jump out the window.
I wait two hours before texting Carl.
My bedroom is dark with no moon
so I switch on the side lamp.
Dirty tissues are on the table
along with a big glass water bottle, stale pot
my clogged pipe in a conch shell, eye drops
the Saint Francis lavender pouch I got in Assisi
the Chinese antique jewelry box Carl got me for Christmas
my reading glasses and advil.
I reach past the bottle to pick up the phone.
Carl is calling.
He knows I'm anxious or had a bad dream or something
I scream in my sleep sometimes
when he's home he wakes me up saying
"I love you Ivy. I love you. You're okay."
I wake up with my heart pounding
and goosebumps on my arms
and mad he jolted me out of my sleep.
I feel bad for waking him now
my iPad and iPhone are also on my night stand
I texted him I'm sorry and that I'll call him in the morning but never sent it.
I'm a piece of selfish shit.
I need him and wish he was here
and there's nothing either of us can do
until the sun comes up
but I texted him so now I pick up the ringing phone
and say "Hello."
His voice sounds raspy
not morning raspy
not middle of the night raspy
but sick raspy.
My black and my red dogs are on the bed.
They don't stir but their ears perk up
so I know they're eaves dropping.
I want him to be here to fix and handle and decide
to hold me
to smile in my face
he talks me down and I hang up feeling a tad better.
I check the Internet to see what time sunrise is.
I've got two more hours of dark.
Just when I'm wondering if I should get up or roll over
Carl calls me back
as if invisible on my crowded table
And just what I need.