Their colors have always haunted me, the cerulean blue, the aquamarine sunlit crystals shimmering over quiet sandy beaches that are sprinkled with tufts of waving green leaves, flickering atop muted brown poles. I love balancing myself on the edge of rugged red cliffs while glancing down across the oceans sparkling mass. My heart warms when I think of this. Nothing else matters really, not right now. In my internal silence, this brings a question to me: Why am I not at the beach everyday? I think because I got THE beach bum filled up in my 20’s. Between riding horses bareback through tepid tide pools on Oahu’s North Shore to crewing on catamarans launching off Kaanapali beaches, I spent many years staring lovingly into the eyes of my cobalt blue existence through polarized sunglasses.
But now days I always feel like I am eluding my small self for the sake of something greater. I feel that I am scared to dive into the deep waters of my own being, fearing that I might drown in the intensive undercurrents that ripple though my soul. When I look inside, I see an expansive quiet black hole that just keeps getting bigger, no matter what dream I follow. Horses filled it through out my life by being my companion in many spontaneous bareback adventures. The freedom and power they lent me stays deep into my bones. But now I am at loss to find fulfillment for that aspect of my black hole self. Maybe there is none. I just want to have a smile on my face, be truly happy and have a good time. Why is that is hard sometimes? Eventually, I always seem to drift back to empty and meaningless days filled with the haze of dreams lost to the wonders of my soul. I guess that is what they mean by living in the unknown, for that is a daily journey that I take, whether I leave the house or not.
I have consciously or unconsciously asked for this life just as it is, or else it would be some other way, right?
I don’t know that I will ever get far enough away from myself to find the peace that exists deep within me. I prospect not, else I will be dead.