And do you remember the fried blueberry muffins and the fresh pasta with broccoli you used to make for us at 3 am?
Do you remember stealing that black lace shirt for me at the shop in the Hamptons and us laughing our asses off and making out on some perfectly manicured lawn?
Do you remember teaching me to swim in my father’s swimming pool? I still use my legs the way you taught me and I think of you every time. And I swim a lot u know cos I live in Hawaii, so I think of you a lot.
Do you remember arriving to the big island for the first time and thinking we had landed in the wrong place by accident? The desolate, barren land under the hazy sky and black lava rock as far as our eyes could see? Where is the jungle and the half naked girls with gigantic flowers behind their ears? But do you remember how quickly and hopelessly we fell in love with it?
Do u remember the purple ferns, the queen panther and the baby hair on the back of my neck and how you wished you were small enough so you could take naps there cos it was the softest place in the world?
Do you remember driving to LA in the pouring rain and mad traffic for 9 hours to see me? Just in case, you said, cos you never know. But you did know cos that was the last time I saw you. And do you remember the cherries you brought for me? You always knew how to make me feel seen and cared for.
And do you remember me being so wrapped up in some boy I was fancying in the moment that I hardly gave you any attention? And do you remember loving me all the same? Oh, the puddles of tears I shed over that little miscalculation. You only were the love of my life and this only was the last time I would ever see you and you only drove all night to get to me.
And do you remember the last time we spoke? It was the day you died and you called in the late morning. We talked about everything as we always did and then you said that you had read that if you dream of living in a strange and unknown city it implies imminent death and that last night you dreamt of being in a strange and unknown city. I got freaked out as I always did because somehow a part of me always knew that you would go too soon. Not too soon for you I suppose but most definitely too soon for me. I asked why you are telling me scary things. You laughed and said not to worry because although you did wander around a strange and unknown city looking for an apartment to rent, you didn't find one. Well you must have had to couch surf or be homeless when you first got there because that very night you were struck down by a bus on your evening walk through the golden gate park. I mean who the fuck dies on an evening stroll through the golden gate park?! There is like one bus an hour! You would have to be timing the damn convergence to get anything out of it. Or were you just so ridiculously Zen? You probably were, weren’t you…
And do you remember the way the air smelled in Sam Francisco after you died?
Don’t worry if you don’t because I do. I remember everything and probably will until it no longer matters…. And when it no longer matters we’ll probably meet again and begin at the beginning like we always do.