Can soap wash away my bad thoughts?
Can I scrub my short comings down the drain and shampoo the temptations out of my hair?
Please God that I don't believe in.
Please help me.
Give me the strength to walk with my head held high. Quiet my tongue when others speak their truths.
Quiet my legs when I sit close to one that smells so good. Quiet my mind telling me fuck it fuck it fuck it.
Please god I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not a better person, a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife.
I want to drink wine and kiss everybody on their lips.
I want to hold them close to my chest and put my face in their neck.
I want to run into the gulch and keep running across the highway and down to the ocean all the way to china. Please God please.
Put my mind at ease that we have a purpose a destiny. That unconditional love is real and alive and living in my husbands heart so when he comes home and sees me, really sees me, he'll love me all up and I'll believe him. Please God show me Chris again, his heart, his mind and what he feels and wants and fears.
Show me who my friends are and if I can be me but most of all God give me some kind of faith, maybe not in you or Carl or my friends but faith, real faith in me.
My dark splits open showing all parts, all the men I've slept with not out of love but out of hate for myself, the words I can't take back because I meant them, the abuse, the abuse of myself tempting my body to go ahead and try and betray me.
The thoughts of death not only my death but the death of those closest to me.
I want to escape to another place another time another life another me.
I took my shower and scrubbed and washed and saw the water going down the drain but still I don't believe.