The black dog lays her head next to mine then moves above to guide me into my dreams.
I ask God or Buddha or somebody above The Milky Way to show me what I need to know.
I'm curious about my death.
Will it be an accident? An illness?
Will I die of old age and what does that mean?
I know something happens.
Does your heart just stop?
Do we have a certain amount of breaths and then we expire like cheese?
Worry keeps pushing my chances of spiritual awakening or a higher conscience at bay.
I know when I got hit in the head and submerged under water my first thought when I opened my eyes was curiosity or a revelation "So this is how it happens!"
I close my eyes wishing for understanding.
Of what I have no fucking clue.
I don't care why I'm here. I'm just here.
I'm not wondering if I have a purpose.
My purpose is to wonder.
I'm human. I get it. I'm flawed. Everyone knows that.
I'm complicated. Ask Carl.
I'm honest. Ask my friends.
When I was almost in a head on collision my first response was "Why why why?"
So that's my problem.
I needed to repeat my mantra to calm my nervous nervous system.
I can blame it on the wind, the gulch, my mother.
I'd be lying. It's all on me.
My perceptions and my misperceptions.
The roosters crows telling me its 2am.
Why sleep? Sleep when you're dead. Is that sleep?
My eyes are watering. My heart is pounding in sync with the chimes. The moon is keeping me awake with her persistent glow, even though I chant and pray.
Can my planet be on her Saturn returns?
If so, what does this mean for earth?
And when I got a jawbreaker stuck in my throat, my very first near death experience, my thought was "Thank God I believe in God."
Not sure I believe in god any longer but I know I'll die.
I believe in that.
I'm not supposed to be able to answer my own questions.
If I know the answers that means I'm dead.
I look up above my head. The black dog is gone.
I wonder where she is?
I push myself part way up
to see what I can spy in the moonlight.
My bedroom floor is black. My eyes are unadjusted.
I think I make out an even darker blob on the floor
so I lay back satisfied that she's still here
and so am I.