I get short bursts of confidence in myself as a writer, guitar player, singer, and then I get worried that this confidence is my ego being too big and I don't let it stay with me. Sabotage … there are times when everyone in the room knows my name, they want to meet me, and tell me how i have inspired them, how that one song brought them to the next level of bliss, or how cool they think my clothing is. I always say thank you. I am so thankful to get their attentions. I think everyone likes getting compliments. Other times there are people who I can tell are even nervous to meet me, or to look into my eyes because they are in some kind of aw about my talent and feel they are not cool enough to talk to me. When that happens, I get a strange feeling of satisfaction, that I pulled something off, that I have the quality of some kind of fame. The kind of fame that I fantasize about.
I am walking onto the stage, with an air of confidence and I am picking up my guitar. I look gorgeous up there, and my hair is glistening in the stage lighting. The lighting is perfect on the silhouette of my outfit. I poise myself at the microphone, glance over the large audience of anticipating faces and smile at them as a whole. I can only see the front couple of rows of people, right down below, The entire audience all blend together as a puddle of humans. I have no room in my mind to think about any of their characteristics individually, but they are there. They are there to hear me. I am going to deliver. I am going to go to that place where I like to go, and if I like it there, so will they. I have full trust in my instruments, I have full trust in my songs, melodies, limber strumming hand and strong chording fingers. My voice is in the epitomy of health and can go where ever it needs to go with out strain or thought. Spontaneous, creative, spectacular, something that holds me apart from others, the reason why they all came out to hear me play my music.
Really though, most of the time I worry about how I must look to others. I worry that instead of people thinking about me in praise, that they are scorning me in their minds. Thinking to themselves how full of myself I am, and how I should take a step down and get off my high horse. These thoughts stifle me and keep me from my full potential. I hold back, I don't want to step on other musicians toes. I wait until I am asked to play rather than strongly take a turn on my own. I get a sore throat when I finally get to my singing potential. I get a tendonitis in my shoulder when I finally get in the rotine of practicing for many hours a day. I get a sore wrist from stemming too much. I get worried that my songs are not interesting enough. I hear my own voice, and think it is annoying. Sabotogeing my own self. Why would I want to do that. Confidence verses ego.