But with awareness, at least I can pull the brake a bit, or take off my seat belt, or put on my oxygen mask to get a little more air in here, depending on what’s called for in the moment.
My husband says, “Yes babe. It’s good babe. We’re growing babe.”
The first time I heard him say that, I heard, “we’re glowing babe.” Ha. Well, it’s kinda’ true. But sometimes I freak out when it’s going so good. Probably because I’m already bracing for the inevitable collapse that mind has proven true, over and over again.
Maybe I am a bit crazy, but please slap me or at least tap me, if I continue to name my self crazy. I think I say it in “pre” defense of what you might think of me at some point in the future. That way if you so decide to see me as crazy, then I will have already named it, somehow making it seem less, making it seem casual.
It’s like planning my own funeral or my second marriage, which I’ve done more times than I care to share; all fantastic manipulation techniques of this terrified mind of mine.
I’m not casual by the way. Maybe I dress sloppy at times, but even that is usually calculated. I don’t take you lightly. I don’t forget people that share anything small or significant with me. I’m intense and intentional and unrelaxed about this life thing were all doing together or apart, co-mingling or living in separation, partnering, married, divorced, trios, swinging, open, closed, at distance, part time lovers, full time friends, alone in the woods, a cave, a hole, conquering a mountain, a PHD, another country, whatever, however. I’m not casual.
God that makes me think of Darrin. Maybe I ought to call him Henry for privacy sake. Yes. Good. Henry. Wow, what a butt. What a whole body. What a whole person with a lot of similar desires as me. I’m always looking for connections. I’m always looking for opposition. Is it a problem that I try to find things wrong with him so I won’t pursue the very not casual desire in my womb to merge. That urge to merge. Ha. That saying makes me laugh. It takes me out, away from danger, away from trios, away from too many possibilities.