The trees seem friendlier today. Maybe they are always like this and I haven’t taken the time to notice. Each stands alone and yet they are a team, crisscrossing their branches and supporting wildlife together. Leaves litter the ground in beautiful mosaics of their fallen dead. So much beauty in death; at least when it’s not human.
I love the way sea foam, left from each ocean wave, forms trails for me follow as I run along the beach. My toes dig into the warm sand, made up of dead coral, pulverized until it really can’t get any smaller.
That’s how I feel sometimes. But I am not dead yet, although it feels like pieces of me are dying off all the time. On a cellular level this is stands to be true, no matter how happy or healthy I am.
Life seems to be made up of fleeting moments, that roll over and die, revealing the truth underneath for those willing to dive down and drown in themselves.
I used to think I was born to swim, but I know better now.
I was born to drown.
There’s something comforting about giving up the struggle and surrendering until all I can see are bubbles, floating up towards the surface. I like to imagine you can hear my screams when they pop.
But no one comes to my rescue and that’s a good thing, because really, that would just prolong my inevitable suffering. And I am done with that suffrage shit.
Freedom doesn’t come because a friend saves me. It comes when I least expect it, when I’ve rolled up on the shore, my teeth filled with of bits of dead corals and my ears burst with the haunting sounds of fractured seashells that dinosaurs crushed under their ancient weight.
Freedom comes when my lungs are empty of screaming and the grief has gone out with the tide.
Freedom comes when my head is quiet and my mind can no longer analyze if I made a good choice that day.
There is a reason they call it ‘Sweet Surrender’, even though it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
I am grateful for all of it, otherwise this thing we call life would bore me to death.
And that, my friend, would be a painful way to die.